I don’t get on here very often anymore. Maybe I just don’t have the time I used to. I don’t know. Tonight as I was laying in bed scrolling though Instagram, I came across one of those profiles. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones where the person seems so at peace with themselves. The ones where these people are doing yoga on the side of cliffs with a gorgeous view and stacking rocks in some weirdly beautiful way that makes you sit and think like “wow, this person seems to have such a beautiful, peaceful life.” You continue to scroll through their stuff just to torture yourself. You see they are incredibly happy in their relationship and newly engaged. You see that they just got a new puppy. You see that they are vacationing around the world. Well instead of being happy for that person, I can’t help but think “is this all for show? There is no way this person is this at peace with themselves … THIS HAPPY ALL THE TIME.” It makes me mad! I spend my life stressed out, anxious about everything, trying to make sure I have enough money to pay the bills, and here these people are LIVING IT UP not a care in the entire world. I almost hate them for their happiness, you know? I can’t stand it cause then the though crosses my mind “could I ever be that happy?” I start to think about all the things I could be doing with my life instead of dedicating 100% of my time to my business. I remind myself “you don’t want to work for someone the rest of your life. Be your own boss. Don’t worry about what others are doing. “ But it just makes me so mad that I can’t seem to be that at peace with myself. Maybe I need to do breathing exercises. Maybe i need to become a yoga teacher. Maybe I need to learn how to stack rocks in a way that makes no sense. Why is it that these people can go play in the mountains and have a wonderful time but when I go do the same thing all I can think about is “get me out of here before it gets too dark and I get eaten by a bear.” It isn’t fair that I have this anxiety every time I do something out of the norm for me. I recently quit my job to focus my time to starting up my custom framing business. All I can think about is how I am going to pay rent next month. I spend way too much time now on Facebook getting pissed off at all the dumb shit I see. People posting things about all these abused animals or people trying to get rid of their animals on some crappy local version of craigs list. These things TRULY piss me off. They shouldn’t. It is none of my business what happens with these people. Unfortunately I let stuff get to me. I don’t know how not to. I have been trying to work through my anxiety and my anger. It seems to be getting me no where. And here I am at 12:30 am rambling on about nothing because I have to get this shit out of my head and I have no one here to talk to at the moment. I can’t sleep because I am stressed about tomorrow which makes no sense cause NOTHING IS HAPPENING TOMORROW. I don’t know where this anxiety and stress came from. I used to be a relatively fun person. Now I can’t stand going out. I don’t want to be around anyone. All people around me want to do is drink and I hate watching people get drunk. Maybe I just need to stay off the social networks for a while. Seeing peoples “happy” lives. I have always had a theory about those people.. who post pictures of how great their lives are .. but they really are miserable. Maybe I’m the miserable one. Who knows. I just don’t want to be so freaking angry and anxious all the time. I am constantly being told to calm down or RELAX. I HATE THAT WORD RELAX! I WISH I COULD RELAX! My life would be so much better if I knew how to relax. Unfortunately I CAN NOT RELAX. Have had a horrible month and maybe that is just bringing me down even more right now .. my grandfather died at the beginning of the month and then 2 weeks later we had to put my dog to sleep .. that dog was my life and it broke my heart into a million pieces. I don’t like going to my parent house where he lived because all i think about is how sad it is with out him there and how much i miss his cuddles when I am sad. It kills me when I walk in and I look at the couch he was always on and I can’t say “Hi Gilbert.” as he jumps off the couch to come greet me. It will be ok though. I am slowly accepting that I will never get to hold him again and he will never come cuddle with me when he sees me sad. I think thats enough rambling for the night.